If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
