I think im going to throw up on grandma
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Randomize
