I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i already hear my dad disowning me
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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