Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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