Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
