i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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