I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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