and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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