At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
