highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
