So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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