I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
