I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
