I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize