dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
