Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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