Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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