wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
