the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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