I haven't been this sober since birth.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
