I just cut my nipple shaving
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
