he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
