nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
