Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize