When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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