woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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