I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
