trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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