"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
