How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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