i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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