Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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