Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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