Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
