My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
