I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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