Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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