Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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