my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
