it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
