When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
