apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Randomize
