In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
