Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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