yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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