my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
