I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
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