I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
