god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
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