Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
