Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
