defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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