Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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