i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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