last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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