Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize